When I introduce myself by saying, “I’m in an open relationship,” I often anticipate the reactions it might provoke. While those familiar with my work might already know this fact, I make it a point to state it explicitly for clarity. The phrase “open relationship” is prominently displayed in my profiles on various dating platforms, such as Feeld, and I openly discuss it whenever I meet new people, regardless of their romantic interests. For me, it’s an integral part of my identity that I don’t hide.
However, when I encounter someone I find particularly intriguing, I sometimes casually mention it in a detached manner to gauge their reaction-like a subtle wink to signal that I’m open to more. Over the years, I’ve come to realize that the term “open” often suggests that one has previously been “closed” or monogamous. But that’s a misconception I don’t subscribe to: my partner and I have never adhered to strict monogamy.
Many couples who choose ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) start their journey with the idea of exploring outside connections-sometimes through swinging or open relationships. Yet, ENM is a broad spectrum that includes various relationship styles such as “monogamish,” polyamory, hierarchical polyamory, and even polyfidelity, alongside swinging and open relationships. The diversity within ENM reflects the many ways people can structure their romantic lives beyond traditional monogamy.
Although precise statistics on ENM are still emerging, it’s reasonable to assume that most couples initially begin their relationship within a monogamous framework before transitioning into nonmonogamous arrangements. Society’s norms heavily favor monogamy, leaving little room for alternative relationship models. Fortunately, contemporary culture increasingly recognizes that love and connection can take many forms, and we are no longer confined to the traditional boundaries of monogamy.
Whenever I mention, “I’m in an open relationship,” it often sparks questions: How did you get started? What does it mean for your marriage? How did you arrive at this lifestyle? Surprisingly, the truth is that my partner and I began our relationship as an open one. We met over eight years ago, initially as friends-just friends. At that time, he was somewhat of a self-described “player,” traveling frequently for work and rarely available. I was also in a long-term relationship with someone else, and I was engaged at 22, marrying the following year. But I soon discovered that my partner wasn’t truly the right person for me. I realized I was bisexual and craved a different kind of connection, which led me to leave my engagement.
After my separation, I casually started seeing my now-husband, with no intention of anything serious-at least, that’s what we both believed. We were close friends, and our connection grew into something more, rooted in genuine affection and mutual understanding.
During our trips together or nights in hotels, I found myself sharing stories about my other romantic encounters, my fascination with women, and how liberating it felt to be open about everything. He reciprocated by sharing his own experiences with other partners, and I loved hearing every detail. Our relationship was built on honesty and trust, long before any physical intimacy. We didn’t follow a script or adhere to societal expectations; we simply knew and depended on each other. Our honesty didn’t threaten our bond-it strengthened it. Being free to explore and express ourselves was exhilarating, especially since we were already sleeping together and had no expectations beyond that.
About a year into this casual, no-strings-attached phase, I realized what I truly wanted: a committed, polyamorous relationship with him. I didn’t voice this immediately, fearing it might complicate things. Instead, I expressed a desire to spend more time with him, and gradually, our relationship deepened. We began doing couple activities-having a dedicated drawer at each other’s homes, planning trips, and talking all day long. Our connection evolved naturally, and the label “open relationship” started to feel more fitting, though it was never a defining factor for us.
As our bond grew stronger, we recognized that our relationship was more than just casual; it was a partnership rooted in love and mutual respect. Neither of us saw it as a departure from traditional relationship norms but rather as an extension of our authentic selves. I’ve always been nonmonogamous on some level, but I lacked the language to describe it or find partners who understood it. For him, it was a revelation-he had always tried to fit into the monogamous mold but realized it wasn’t necessary. We could be together, share our lives, and still have meaningful connections with others.
I want to acknowledge that our relationship dynamic is a privilege. We entered the ENM community without experiencing many of the struggles that often accompany the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy-such as jealousy, societal judgment, or navigating complex labels. Our early start in nonmonogamy allowed us to bypass many hurdles, enabling us to enjoy the profound benefits that come with it: feeling fully seen, supported, and loved by our partner in a genuine way. Of course, we faced challenges-like managing boundaries such as the “one-penis policy,” where a woman can only sleep with other women but not men-but we addressed these issues through open communication, professional guidance from an ENM-affirming couples therapist, and a sincere desire to deepen our understanding of each other.
My partner and I continue to thrive in this relationship-despite both of us having other partners-because we prioritize honesty, acceptance, and love above all else.
We don’t hide anything from each other. We explore our sexualities freely and authentically, knowing that our love is genuine and unconditional. For me, being open isn’t just about sleeping with others or going on dates; it’s about embracing my true self and feeling safe to express who I am without fear of judgment. It’s about being transparent with my husband in a way I could never be with previous partners. That honesty reaffirmed that he is the right person for me-my forever partner, even as we continue to share our lives with others.
We’ve been together for five years, in love for four, and married for just two months. Yes, we are ethically nonmonogamous. Yes, we date both together and separately. Yes, I know about his other partners, and he knows about mine. We are deeply in love, committed, adventurous, and open-everything I had been searching for in a relationship.
Hayley Folks (she/her) is a freelance writer, editor, and podcast host based in New York City. She hosts the “Naked Folk” podcast, which explores sexual wellness and relationships, and contributes to major publications on topics related to LGBTQ+ issues, race, lifestyle, sexuality, and health. In 2022, she earned her Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing from The New School.
